Hey ya’ll, it’s been awhile.

What a better time to leave the last year (or 3) in the past, then the last day of this year. I know that the majority of the population has suffered the last 3 years at least for one reason or another. That has been the case for us as well.

From the beginning all I wanted was to be able to put into words what was happening. To give a name to what was going on. But trying to explain what was happening sounded more like excuses from the outside. A few times I questioned whether I would eventually write this or not. During the worst of it, it was literally impossible. As things got better, it was harder to relive the worse times.

But there were so many times throughout all of it that all I wanted to do was to be able to find my voice again and speak for myself. Believe me when I say it was almost a year before I even had the power to do so.

Several years ago just before Beau was born, I felt led to share my struggles with infertility. I still remember the hell that was, and is, and remembered the feeling when someone else would share theirs with me. A club that should not have to exist… but one that definitely helps having a support system and others who have experienced the very same things you have or are.

This is one of those things. Wether you dealt with or ARE dealing with the same thing I did– or something similar. Knowing that you are not alone, helps more than you would ever know. I have lost count of the amount of times I have attempted to sit down and put it all into words, and there is no doubt that I will still fail to put into words what all transpired throughout that time. But I’ll try.

For the last couple of years– but even more so, about a year and a half ago– I began to visibly struggle.

This was one of the most terrifying time in my life.

My body and my mind were failing.. and I had no explanation, no diagnosis and absolutely zero hope.

I tried to hide it as long as I could, until I couldn’t.

A little over a year ago our lives turned upside down. What started out as a very slow snowball effect in February of 2020, quickly took a sharp plummet when B and I both got sick in early September 2021.

B and I both contracted Covid in February of 2020. B healed but mine “took longer.” 2 months in and I was concerned why I still wasn’t fully better. But a busy Spring (and lots of rescheduling due to rain) kept my mind occupied. It would be a couple more months before I would realize that something wasn’t quite right. My autoimmune issues began to flair up. People around me chalked it up to being worn out and not taking care of myself due to work.

I continued to struggle while being hard on myself for not being able to just “suck it up.”

I suffered over 100+ different symptoms from the beginning up until this point. At the most extreme point (among many other things..)

I lost my speech,

cognitive ability,

developed POTS,

physical control of my arms, hands and most of my legs.

I lost my memory.

I didn’t just have brain fog… I LOST my memory.

Everyday was different. On the bad days, I forgot how to drive. I forgot my phone number of 18+ years. I forgot names.. of my family. I forgot what month or year it was. I forgot how to use my computer. I couldn’t respond to emails (those had to be taken over by others who tried to help me until we could figure out what was going on.) I couldn’t run my business of 14+ years that I had run solely on my own up until that point. I couldn’t remember how to edit. I couldn’t remember how to type. My mind would blank out every few minutes. I couldn’t remember what I was trying to say when I opened my mouth. For weeks I spoke in broken speech, stutters or struggled speech. I wouldn’t become paralyzed when I tried to speak at times. Sometimes it would even come out in gibberish.

My entire body went into full severe tremors. I couldn’t hold a spoon or fork.

“Good days” didn’t come until months later.. and they came sparingly. Maybe 1 half day within a 2-3 week span… then a whole day in a 1-2 week span. I would take 3 steps forward and 5 steps backward.

I struggled with my own kids names. I still struggle with our indoor pets names most everyday.

All of this happened without any idea what was happening to me. I was convinced I was losing my mind… and honestly I was.

22 Months after I first started showing symptoms of something more serious… I was diagnosed.

Long Covid.

At first I was glad to get a diagnosis.. but almost immediately I began brushing it off.

At that time the news outlets, the information online– it didn’t add up.

Long Covid was something where your VIRAL symptoms would continue for a couple of months only.

Then it changed to “it can last up to 6 months but then you’re good as new..”

Which turned into “it can last up to 12 months.”

They began adding in a COUPLE of symptoms other than viral illness, but it wasn’t near what I had been experiencing.

At that time, the length of time that my issues had continued had far surpassed any of this info.

I felt devastated- like I was back at square one.

For awhile, I gave up. I was broken and there was nothing that was going to put me back together.

I was failing at life, my business, everything.

I had prayed unceasingly for the last 2 years and continued to feel like every getting back to where I once was, was impossible.

I began to lose even more hope in ever healing from this or getting “our normal” back.

I lost people. Some distanced themselves from me and some left completely. Some came out of nowhere and loved me when I wasn’t even able to love myself.

Waking up day after day after day and wondering if you will EVER be able to be your Child’s parent without always being sick or helpless at times.. is not something I wish on anyone.

One night I randomly began searching online again. That night I was feeling hopeless and like no one could understand exactly what I was going through.

Little did I know that I would stumble upon the first bit of help that point me in the right direction for the first time.

I spoke to clinics. I spoke to a hospital with a Long Covid clinic specifically for situations like this. For the first time, I truly understood that this was NOT my own fault. My brain “was on fire” and for an extended amount of time. I had/have nerve damage. I had/have some trauma to my brain.

It didn’t end there. That was only the first time that I found some hope that I wasn’t crazy and that there were other people who might be experiencing the same thing.

I still have people tell me they are so glad that all that is “over.” But the truth is.. it’s not. I don’t think it will ever fully be. I was told that there was no way to tell just how long it would take to “get better” and even then, there would most likely still be some issues I would deal with.

I’ve had to come to terms with the knowledge that I may never be “totally normal.” I still experience quite a lot of the symptoms on a daily basis. The more difficult ones have gotten better and I have also, gotten better at masking them or coping with them in front of others.

Bad days will still take over without me even realizing.

I was driving out of town with the GPS back in August- a route I have driven weekly for years… when I blanked out and my whole body began to go into tremors. Nothing looked familiar. Nothing was recognizable. My body shut down. I was terrified. I had no idea where I was.. how I got there or how I could get back. In my mind, the GPS was foreign and I didn’t know how to understand it. I pulled into the median and began to instantly cry wondering how anyone would find me since I was unable to even describe where I was. (Thank the Lord for Life 360.. which in that instant I had forgotten about.)

Some “bad days,” I just struggle with other symptoms such as speech or nervous system issues.

It’s always different.

A lot of things changed for us in the last couple of years. I’ve received tons of emails and messages over the last year or so asking if I was still taking pictures.

I am. There were several months that I was unable to work at all– but this year I took on SOME things.

This was the first time since January 2008 that I wasn’t booking myself solid without any time to spare.

I actually said no. I actually took a lot of time off. And I still had clients waiting for me on the other side of that. You’ll never know just how grateful I am for those of you who have checked on me and been there.

I am still trying to regain my same work flow that I had before becoming sick.

Things I had been just muscle memory for years- became things I had to actually remind myself HOW to do. I’ve had to go over images (or sessions) a couple of times before until I felt okay with delivering galleries.

Trying to relearn after almost a decade and a half– is a strange feeling. Some days I struggle more than others and on those days sometimes I just walk away from the computer and give myself some grace.

Learning how to do that has been challenging at times also. Giving myself grace for not being able to do things that used to come easy.

This artist below went through a scary health issue as well and wrote this song about her situation. When I first heard it my eyes immediately filled with tears. I associated with so many of the things that she said, at a time when I still didn’t have an answer.

As I said, I am not going anywhere! I AM going to be limiting what I take on. I’ll be taking on less each month and only 1-2 weddings max per year. I’ve also got some new mini themes that I’ve been wanting to offer for the last couple of years but was unable to work them in. I’m excited to finally put together some of these!

Wishing everyone a safe and blessed New Year!